Rant: A viscous cycle. Shopping is fast remedy but solve nothing!!

 

I actually don't see his as a 'rant' but more of a confession.

Well, I realised that I'm getting into this viscous cycle that is draining me and making me going in and out of very negative/depressive emotions.

I think I've mentioned plenty of times that I'm a "mild online shopaholic" or whatever you call it. I guess the more accurate way of putting it is "I WAS".

I was able to get satisfactions and joy out of buying small items from online, just like I used to find happiness in buying a new stationery as a kid and young adult.

But now, things seems to become "bigger". Like ... I am not satisfied by 'small things'. Or rather, I got an interest in 'bigger things'.

I am always into electronics and gadgets, which can get expensive. Also, my hobbies - crafting requires some tools which can get expensive.

But these are not the main point. The main point is, I'm getting into this cycle that I'm extremely unhappy with my job (working 'full-time' Grab now as a walker) and I feel I need to reward myself - yes, by buying things!

And the problem comes when I realised that I can easily overspend because I am not making a lot of money. Then I feel stressed and unhappy that even after walking like mad, till my knees are complaining (pain), I still cannot afford to shop as much as I want.

And by 'shop as much as I want', I mean 'not able to buy what I really wanted'. I do not buy luxurious items. 

I really wanted a mini table saw for my upcoming project but I need to think twice. Well, it's not solely because of my knee problem and 'low wage', but because I am suffering the 'side effects' of Covid.

Covid doesn't just go when you recover, it have 'side effects' like coughing and lesser lungs capacity. For my first week after recovering, I was struggling to keep up with my pace as I'll become breathless much faster than pre-Covid me. And I am also coughing quite a lot weeks after recovery. I've to walk slower which in the end affected my 'hourly pay'.

Anyways, I'm in this cycle now that I couldn't get any satisfaction in life and when I tried to find some satisfaction, I felt super stressed and bad. I tried doing what I love (making animations and crafts) but they didn't help much. They even becomes another source of 'unhappiness'.

I need to break this cycle.