Let's talk about appearance anxiety!

 

I have appearance anxiety, not gonna lie. 

It started when I was in primary school when my teacher suddenly mentioned that she don't understand why I am sitting at the back of the class. Because, my eyes are so small, she couldn't tell if they're open or not! So she thought that I am always sleeping in class!

Yeah, very kind of her.

As I grew older, I kind of developed this inferiority for my looks because I realised that my eyes wouldn't get bigger as I grow, but my face will... so my eye will only just appear smaller year by year ...

And ... I do hope to be seen, like I have some need for attention, for praises and ... IDK. Anyways, it just suck, because it's an eternal torment --> it's just like having fire meet water in your mind all the time. Knowing that you're ugly but you have this desire to be seen ... 

It doesn't help when the people around you will start to remind you of how ugly you're or they just feel more confident taking photos with you. Admit it, we're all shallow at that age ... we all secretly feel we are better than someone else in some ways ... 

The sad thing is, appearance anxiety still hits me, on and off even now. And I often wonder why. Is it because of the media (those Kpop/Cpop stars)? Is it because I just long to be recognised for something good? (Well, I obviously doesn't have an outstanding talent or skill nor am I kind, funny or helpful)

At my peak, I was obsessed with my weight. Well, you see, I am not pretty, not tall, not curvy, the only think considered "good" about my physical appearance is my slim built. I am lucky to have really small bone structure so I can be "Kpop star thin" (but I am not). So I hold on very dearly to that.

I am not anorexia or anything, instead, I was eating whatever I wish, WHILE having anxiety about my weight ... sometime, I don't understand why am I like this.

I realised this happens too for make up and camera filters. I don't like to put on make up and I don't really use camera filter. I just don't take or share my photos on social media altogether.

Why?

Because I am afraid. I am afraid of facing the drastic differences once I had them removed. Yes, we all will look slightly better with make up on and A LOT better with camera filters (Yeah, I can get big, shiny eyes I wished for).

But once you turned those off, reality hits hard! I honestly doesn't like having to face that disappointment. I know it sound like I am a difficult person - "Give you solution also don't want to accept!" But I have deal with such disappointment before and it's kinda hard for me.

Recently, I thought hard about it, why am I so afraid to be ugly? I mean pretty people are far lesser than average or ugly people, I am the majority ...

I realised it COULD BE (MAYBE) linked with competitiveness. We all know prettier people have an edge over the less good looking ones. I know many people will try to challenge me on this but there are social experiments and surveys that proved this point. I also have personal experiences whereby my boss admitted that he will consider a prettier person over an average looking people if they have the same qualification.

It translates to "if you're uglier, you have to work harder to make your qualifications better". IDK, that's what I think.